Black And Blue
by Bluenose
Summary: Time moves on, and working with someone you love can always be a problem. The title is provided by Counting Crows


Black And Blue  
  
It's hardest when we're in work together.  
  
Harder to fight against the desire just to go to her, put my arms around her, hold her tight. Tangle my fingers in her curly hair, loose myself in her dark eyes. Loose myself and never come back.  
  
I did think about working a different shift to her, just removing that temptation all together. At least then I would be able to concentrate on doing my job without day dreaming about her.  
  
I thought about working a different shift for about thirty seconds. But then, every day would be washed with the same darkness, without her smile to brighten it. I'd rather torment myself every day, than not see her at all.  
  
I watch her smile from across the office, her hand coming up to touch her curls. It's her smile, the memory of the way it dances across her face, lights up, reflects in her eyes, that makes me go weak at the knees, that makes me smile when I think of her. So shy, so self conscious, yet so effortlessly natural. I haven't met anybody that's been able to resist her smile.  
  
I watch her smile from across the office, and I can't help myself remembering how soft her lips are, how her body feels against mine. And I want to go to her, to hold her, to kiss her in front of everybody in CTU. Hold her and never let her go.  
  
But this is CTU and they...frown on things like that.  
  
Michelle can make me feel like that, alive, with just a smile.  
  
She glances up from her screen, and sees me looking at her. She smiles, chewing a little nervously on her bottom lip. I look back down at my screen, trying to hide my own smile. But I know she's seen it.  
  
God help me, I'm falling in love with her. *  
  
I hate all this sneaking about, pretending that there's nothing going on between us. But this is CTU and Tony's the boss and...I think Chapelle's just looking for any excuse.  
  
Anyway, all of this sneaking about, all this pretending, all this searching for a stolen glance or touch, just makes it all the more romantic.  
  
God I can't believe how he makes me feel.  
  
He's been good to me, good for me. My friends are all wondering who he is to make me feel like this. They say they have never seen me this happy, and they're right. I've never been this happy.  
  
I try to fight the urge to look at him, and loose. He looks away but not before I see him smile. I swear to God, I think he's as shy as I was. Either that or he enjoys all this pretending as much as I do.  
  
Not that we're fooling anybody with all of this sneaking about. I think Jack knows that something's going on between us. I've seen him looking at me with this odd smile on his face. I've heard the girls talking, wondering about who was making Tony look so happy. I nearly laughed out loud.  
  
I don't think I've ever felt so alive. *  
  
"Fading everything to black and blue  
You look a lot like you'd shatter  
In the blink of an eye  
But you keep on sailing right on through." *  
  
Nina never made me feel like this.  
  
I know I shouldn't compare them, I know that they're different, that I'm a different person. But I fell for Nina as well, so I suppose I'm scared of getting burned again. Who wouldn't be after that particular experience?  
  
But Michelle...ah Michelle.  
  
No one has ever been able to make me feel the way she does. No one has ever looked at me the way she does. With Nina, I was always her second choice. At best, just a way to isolate Jack from the rest of CTU. I don't have to wonder if Michelle's like that, if she's toying with me, if she's playing a game.  
  
I know she's not like that.  
  
And I love her for it.  
  
There.  
  
I said it. I admitted it. And I didn't burst into flames. None of this "I think" bullshit.  
  
I love her.  
  
I feel better for saying it, for even thinking it to myself. Like I have banished memories of....her. I'm not going to punish Michelle by comparing her to that bitch.  
  
I love her. *  
  
He makes me feel safe. Secure. Loved. More important than that, he makes me feel alive, makes me feel like I'm important.  
  
When Danny's marriage fell apart, the family all rallied around to support him. All very well, all very good and loyal.  
  
I felt (and I know how selfish this sounds) isolated. Abandoned. Almost like they expected me to be able to deal with everything else, with everything that was going wrong in my life. Like I didn't matter as much to them as Danny.  
  
I've heard the office gossip, usually when they're speculating over who is making Tony smile, talking about how much he fell for Nina, how much he was in love with her, and how anybody is going to have to measure up against her.  
  
When Tony looks at me, I know how much I matter to him, how important I am to him.  
  
He's all I can think about. And that's all that matters to me. *  
  
"You've been waiting a long time  
To fall down on your knees  
Cut your hands, cut yourself until you bleed  
But fall asleep next to me"  
  
*  
  
Jack knows.  
  
I'm certain he does. I mean, the man's not stupid. I've seen him smile at us when he's seen us working together. A knowing smile. I suppose he's remembering what it's like to be in the first throws of love.  
  
I've had enough of all the pretence. I...we've done nothing to be ashamed of. I know I've made mistakes in the past, but Michelle doesn't deserve to be treated like this, to be punished for something that happened to me long before I met her.  
  
That bitch has done enough damage, not just to me, but to all of CTU. I'm not going to let her add my relationship with Michelle to the list.  
  
And I want to have a normal relationship with somebody, something that isn't compromised or poisoned by politics or ambition.  
  
I want a real normal relationship with Michelle. *  
  
Tonight's going to be strange. The whole unit's going out for drinks after work, sort of a morale building exercise after everything we've been through recently. It's the first time that something like this has happened since Tony and I got involved.  
  
It's going to be hard to pretend that there is nothing going on between us. Even harder to sit and listen to the gossip. Harder still to watch him dance with another girl.  
  
What else can I do? This is CTU, we work together and this is the price I have to pay to be with him. *  
  
It's a smoky bar and I can still pick every curve of her body, every glint of her eye, every gleam of her smile, even through the dim light. If I listen real hard, I can even hear every word she says, despite the noise of the bar and the band. *  
  
I'm almost glad the bar is so smoky, so noisy. Makes it easier to slip out of the conversation, easier to casually glance in his direction, meet his eyes.  
  
Oh my God, my life is such a cliché!  
  
An affair with the boss, staring at each other across a crowded bar. At least he's not married.  
  
And then, there he is, in front of me. *  
  
"Would you like to dance with me, Michelle?"  
  
"And in a dimly lit room, where you got nothing to hide  
Say your goodbyes  
Tell yourself we'll read a note that says  
I'm tired of feeling nothing"  
  
The End of Black And Blue 


End file.
